Alright. So earlier in the year my dad and I went to see Elizabeth Gilbert speak. Well, that’s at least what we thought we were getting ourselves into. It turned out to be a workshop based on her new book: Big Magic! In this book she talked of six main, I guess I would call it, higher powers. She had us write them down and gave us five minutes to write to ourselves as these different things, then would take some time to talk about it.
In the beginning of the workshop she asked us to all move so we weren’t sitting next to anyone we knew. I was scared out of my damn mind—but I did it. After the first one was written we were asked to turn to the person sitting next to us and read what we had wrote. We were then supposed to talk with that person about what the other had just read.
So you’re telling me that I’m supposed to read a complete stranger my deepest fears, hear theirs, and then try and talk to them about it? Hahaha, no. That’s at least what I was thinking. However, I sucked it up and did it. If Liz Gilbert was asking me to do something, bet that I’m going to do it. I left that event feeling more inspired than I had in a very long time.
Now, because I’ve decided to put myself out there and share as much of my story so far as I can, I figured what better way to do that than to re-write the six perspectives that we had done that day. So, here they are:
Dear Kelsi, I am your fear. Holy shit. What in the hell are you doing. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. Nothing seems to be going your way. You say you will write—you don’t write. You say you will do better to be better—you don’t do your best. What are you doing? At this rate you are going to go nowhere. Nowhere. I look down at our feet and I can’t even see the road we are walking on; it’s just blackness. Everything surrounding us is blackness. There is no light at the end of whatever way we are going. So what the fuck are we going to do? I’d like to know what your plan is. Please tell me you have some sort of plan because I don’t see any of this working out. You want to be a writer more than anything, but are you sure you want to put yourself through all of that pain? Rejection, empty promises, lost hope, endless work, and the fear of never getting to where you want to be.
Dear Kelsi, I am your enchantment. It’s pretty great isn’t it? I like to come to you when you least expect it. Your entire life I’ve been here—in the background for the most part. Lately, I’ve started to come out more. I think you’re ready. You have finally started to accept who I am to you; you have finally started to accept who YOU are. You are capable of so much more than you think. I remember how I used to push myself into your thoughts growing up, and how you would almost instantly push me away. Very few times did you actually stop and do something with me. I think we can both agree that the times you did act on me, you were happy. I know the ideas I’m putting into your brain are pretty scary, but it’s time. You must now accept what’s been given to you and run with it. So go run. It won’t kill you, I promise.
Dear Kelsi, I am the principle. You can go. Go be free. Stop letting other people put you down. You are done with that. Do what you have to do right now in order to get out of here. You are ready to feel alive and happy. You have spent your entire life making sure everyone else was okay. Now you need to put yourself first and make sure you are okay. Go full speed, rip the brakes away—you don’t need them anymore. It is your turn to be happy. If the people around you don’t like it, that’s okay. It isn’t theirs to like. This is your life, now go live it the way you know you were meant to.
Dear Kelsi, I am your persistence. From a very young age you have wondered what your purpose is. But you haven’t always been willing to go find it. All of those nights lying in bed staring at the ceiling obsessing over whether or not the light switches were flipped the way you like them, wondering if you were ever going to beat this mental illness—I was there. You didn’t quit no matter how badly you wanted to. You fought day after day, tackling your obsessions one at a time. And you are still here. You are still fighting, but now you are stronger than ever before. You know what you want and you won’t give up until you have it. Keep pushing forward and I promise you, greater things are coming.
Dear highest creative life, I am Kelsi, and this is why you can trust me. I am a fighter. I will fight for what I believe in and for what I want, even to a fault sometimes. I refuse to give up, even on my hardest days. I see the life I want for myself and I’m willing to work day and night for it. Trust that I will always thank you and give you credit for inspiring me. The idea of living a creative life has lit a fire in me—which is now out of control. You can trust that this is what I want. You can trust that I won’t back down.
Dear fear, I am Kelsi and this is my divinity speaking. Stop hurting me. Stop making me feel like there is nothing worth fighting for. I know what I’m capable of and I know which direction I’m meant to take. Your constant nagging may slow me down, but take my word, it will not stop me from pushing forward in search of the life I know I want. Thank you for your concern, it’s appreciated. My only request to you, however, is to please back off. Even if it’s just a little bit. Take a step back and let me run full speed.
What I’ve taken away from doing this, is that it’s good to embrace everything you are feeling with open arms. Before this event I had never thought about what my fear would say to me if it could. Or any of the other five things for that matter. It’s crazy what can end up on the paper if you just write. Your mind is a beautiful place. Everyone is capable of greatness, you just need to find it within yourself; I think that accepting who you truly are is the first step.