crazy is beautiful 

I plan on being crazy. I plan on receiving constant stares from strangers on the street wondering what in the hell I’m doing. I plan on being so insanely happy with my life that no one knows what to do with me. Crazy sounds fun to me. Crazy sounds mysterious to me. Crazy sounds exciting to me. Crazy sounds like me.

At this point, most of you probably have a completely different definition of crazy in your head than I do. When I say I want to be crazy, I’m saying that I want to be so free that I’m able to live my life in a way that scares other people. I want people to wonder how I do it. I want them to look at the way I’m living and question why they are living such boring lives.

I don’t want to settle for a few hundred miles of land and keep myself there. I want to take the entire world and use it to my advantage. I want to dive into other cultures. I want to see the wonders of the world. I want to meet new people of all different backgrounds. I want to speak to someone from a foreign country and have absolutely no idea what the hell they are saying. I want to learn. I want to grow. And ultimately, I want to be free.

When I hear people say that life is short, and we need to grasp every opportunity we possibly can—I take that to heart. Life is short. I’ve already experienced how fast time flies. I don’t even remember half of high school it went by so fast for me.

I just know when I’m on my deathbed looking back at the life I lived, I don’t want to wish. I don’t want to wish I would have gone to explore Europe by myself. I don’t want to wish I was able to take my grandma on her dream vacation. I don’t want to wish that I had a book published. I don’t want to wish that I would have lived my life to my own rules. I just don’t want to wish.

That seems like a very big thing to say right now. But I don’t plan on letting myself down, so I guess it’s okay. I know that life happens, and things can take an unexpected turn at any time. I also know that I’m strong enough to handle whatever life throws my way.

Developing confidence in myself took many years of fighting through my mental illness. The experiences that came along with those years are scary as hell to look back on. I would never, ever want to go back and relive those moments. It’s cliché, but because of those hard times I can now rise up and let the world know how strong I am.

I spent a lot of time trying to block those memories out, thinking that they made me weak. It wasn’t until recently that I decided to embrace them for what they were and use them to my advantage. I still have a lot I need to work out, and a lot of walls I need to break down in order to remember everything from those years… I’m working on it.

The future right now looks pretty freaking scary. It’s a what-if guessing game at every point. Isn’t it so empowering to have the knowledge that your life is what you make of it? You can literally be anything. You can do anything. The only thing standing in your way is you, and how hard you are willing to work. And isn’t that so damn beautiful?

-Kelsi

 

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