i love you more

Recently I started watching Gilmore Girls. If you don’t know what that is— pretty much it’s just a show where the mother and daughter are best friends. It’s made me think a lot about the relationship I have with my mom. I watch that show and think about how that used to be my mom and I. I watch that show and realize how thankful I am to have had that kind of relationship with my mom and know we have the capability of getting that back.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how important it is to show people you care. It’s important to never let the people you love forget that you love them. This past year, no matter how mad I am at someone I always make sure the last thing I say to them is something I won’t regret if anything were to happen. I don’t want to live my life wishing I would have done things differently.

So watching this show and thinking about my relationship I have with my mom… I miss her. The last couple of years I haven’t really been close to anyone. I spend my time in my room, having as little contact with my family that I’ve had my whole life. I have no excuses. I’ve just found that sometimes I live inside a daze, not really worried about making sure I see the people I care about. Not really worried about anything that happens to me.

Thinking about this show and thinking about my mom, I want to write a letter to her, similar to what I did for my grandma a week ago. I want her to know that she deserves all the good and all the love in the world. I want her to know that she means the world to me and I want her to know that we can be best friends again.
Dear Mom,
I love you. I would not have survived my life so far without you. Especially these last few years. I know that we’ve had our ups and downs. I know that we are each others easiest target. In my opinion, it’s because we are pretty much the same person. It’s hard for us to talk sometimes because we are so outspoken and our opinions on things are so strong.

I can’t even begin to put into words how much respect I have for you— I wish you saw it. You have been my superhero. The amount of times you have missed work or lost sleep because of me having a bad day with my mental illness blows my mind. I never knew someone could care so much about another person. You have always pushed me to be better. And you have always allowed me to do what I thought was best for myself.

I’ve probably called you in the middle of the night more times than I can count. You’ve answered every single time. You’ve listened, and you’ve helped me through the worst.
When I was a little kid I refused to sleep in my own room. I wanted to be attached at your hip for as long as I could remember. For a while you let me sleep in your bed with you, but after a certain point you tried to get me back into my own room. I felt devastated. All I wanted was to be next to you, it was the only way I felt safe. After I was no longer allowed to sleep in your bed, I started sneaking into your room in the middle of the night while you were sleeping and do my best to sneak in next to you. That worked for a little bit. After that was no longer allowed I started bringing a sleeping bag in and setting up camp next to your bed. I don’t know how long that went on for, but sleeping on the floor was worth it as long as I knew I was close to you.

I used to have to call you 100 times a day; probably even more. I just always had to know that you were okay. I had to know everything you were doing in order to feel better. Eventually we found out that it was my OCD/anxiety/depression that made me worry about you so much. You would go on runs and I would sit next to the door for as long as it took for you to get back. I would sit there worried sick about when you’d be home.

When I was officially diagnosed with the mental illness stuff, you were my number-one supporter. You never believed that I was being dramatic and you made me feel like my feelings were valid. You fought for me everyday. You never let me get down on myself and you always made sure I knew that I was capable of anything. I now know that I’m capable of anything because of you.

I can say that although we’ve definitely had our fights, in the end I still knew you were my best friend. I knew that I could still come to you with anything regardless of the current situation.

When Keaton and I were younger I remember you going to school and working 3rd shift every night. I remember how tired you were. I remember how you never gave up and you always put on a strong face for Keaton and I, never allowing us to see that things might not be okay. I think he would agree with the thought that you were our superhero. You have never stopped fighting for us. You have always put us first. You have never let anyone get away with treating us like trash and you’ve taught us how to stick up for ourselves.

I want you to know that you have a forever-friend in me. I know that you are my mom and I know that we are supposed to disagree and argue and have days where we don’t want to see each other. But I’ve come to the age where I look at you as friend before mom. I think I’ve always looked at you that way just because of how close we’ve always been. That may be why we’ve seemed to butt heads so much— I don’t regret it at all. And I know a lot of people wouldn’t agree with that outlook— I don’t care at all. We’ve been through too much and have so much more to go through to let anything stop us from having the best relationship we can.

You mean the world to me, and more. The love that you have showed me just proves how powerful a mother-daughter relationship can be. I know that nothing will ever tear us apart. We will always find our way back to each other because I’ve learned that I can’t live without you, no matter how many times I’ve tried to prove I could by being shamelessly stubborn.

I could go on forever about the love I hold for you. I could tell so many stories of the times you saved me from falling too low. I could talk about all of the great memories we have. I could talk about all of the hard times we’ve shared together and learned from. Instead I will just leave it with this.

You are the strongest person I know. You deserve all the good the world has to offer. I cannot wait for you to receive everything that you’ve earned. The love that you deserve is infinite. The break you deserve after so many years of working and fighting for Keaton and I is also close to infinite. I know that someday you will receive all of that and more. You’re my best friend. I love you so much more.

-Kelsi

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