A few weeks ago, about three days before Thanksgiving, I wasn’t really in a good place mentally. I was in one of those fazes where I live like I’m in a fog. I just go through the motions, putting on a smile, pretending everything is fine. The night before I had gotten in an argument with someone and just two days later I was meant to leave with my mom and brother to head up north.
I had just left my counseling appointment and didn’t really want to go home yet, so I drove to Portage and got myself lunch. I’ve found that it’s nice for my mind to go in and sit down to have a meal by myself in public. Afterwards when I was pulling out of the parking lot I realized Barnes and Noble was just across the street. I didn’t necessarily need anything, nor did I really think I should be spending the money on a book— but going in there always has a way of making me feel at home. It gives me hope knowing that all of the books in there came from someone like me— someone who only once had an idea and created their own little world out of it.
I was already having a pretty rough day so I decided that it couldn’t hurt me to go in and just look around. **Side note** on the way in I stepped in dog poop, in the middle of the parking lot; so that tells you the kind of day I was having.
Anyway I went in and started looking through every book in the young adult section. After about thirty-minutes I decided that I wasn’t leaving without buying a book. I wasn’t just going to buy anything though. I was going to look until one made me feel something. This may sound really weird, but with my OCD I feel things at a heightened level. So when it comes to making decisions, even if the things I’m deciding between are the exact same thing, I will hold them and go off of what feels right. I talked a bit about that subject in my it’s real blog.
I looked for probably another twenty-minutes before something caught my eye. I don’t even know how. It was in between a bunch of other books— this was the last one. I picked it up and read the first page, instantly feeling like I needed to read this book. I put it back and continued to look. But my attention kept being drawn back to that one book. After much debating inside my head, I grabbed the book and bought it without a second thought.
I got home and sat on my bed, realizing I didn’t even know the title of the book I just spent $15 dollars on. Transcendent. The title made me all the more interested to see what this tiny little world had to offer. I looked at the authors name—Katelyn Detweiler— and slightly remembered seeing her work previously, but never reading it.
So I began reading. I sat in my bed for maybe two hours getting the first few chapter down. I didn’t pick the book up again until the next day, on the way up north. For some reason, every word I read hit me. The storyline in the book and what the main character, Iris, was feeling and experiencing just clicked. I felt something begin to run through my veins that I hadn’t felt in a while— hope.
I spent the weekend reading that book in every spare moment I found. I soaked in every word. I let it consume me. I allowed it to make me feel. I remember reading the last word. I was in the car by myself because I had been reading when we got back home and didn’t want to move. I let the last sentence cross through my mind and I slowly closed the book. I looked straight ahead in a daze before I finally just allowed myself to whisper, “wow.” I didn’t know what else to do. I had found this book out of pure luck, and obviously I didn’t expect anything out of it. But it hit me, and it hit me hard.
I spent the rest of the weekend thinking about how magical it was. How magical it was that this book had changed my entire thought process over a period of 300 pages. This book brought me back up out of the hole I’d dug for myself. I was thinking how insane it is that something that’s so meaningless to others can have such a huge affect on someone else. Obviously this particular book wouldn’t do the same for everyone. I connected with it for some reason, based off of the things I was experiencing in my own life.
Later when I was officially back home and in my own room I tweeted at Katelyn… This was the exchange we had:
That also sparked another change in my attitude. It reminded me that I could do this too. It reminded my why I loved writing so much. It was just the little push I needed. To be honest, without that book, I wouldn’t have started posting daily when I did. The inspiration and understanding I felt I’d found in that book made me want to put my own words onto paper more frequently than I ever have before. So that’s what I’m doing.
I wish that someday I can do for someone else what Katelyn Detweiler and Transcendent did for me. Especially after these last fifteen days I now not only have hope that, that wish will come true— I have confidence.
The thing I most learned from the whole experience with Transcendent and the way it was brought into my life is: go with your gut. If you feel something is right, give it a chance. If you feel like you have no hope, go somewhere that makes you feel safe and search for something that makes you feel right. The universe always delivers you hope when you need it most; as long as you’re willing to search for it. In this specific situation I spent two hours in a book store, after two weeks of depression, to finally find my new spark of hope.
If you are at all curious about the Transcendent, here is a link to where you can find it! 🙂
Also… Thank you Katelyn. I don’t think I could ever explain the insane impact this book had on me.