work for it

So I want to talk about why I started this daily blog. The first one was technically, why do i keep finding myself here? But the start of this was, 18 things i learned at 18. Like I’ve said multiple times, about a month ago I wasn’t in a good place. I broke down, begged, started meditating, and started reading more. I got back from my family trip Up North on Thanksgiving and still felt like something was missing. I was feeling better, but I wasn’t all there, and I knew it. I also knew what was missing. I have always known what has been missing. It’s the same answer every damn time. Writing.

When I’m writing, I’m different. My entire family can back me up on this. I’m a completely different person. I’m so much more mellow in every sense of the word. So the question I used to be constantly asking myself is, “Why do I avoid this thing if it brings me freedom within myself?” And like, it’s true. How in the world can someone possibly be so stubborn that they hide from their happiness? Well, here I am. I’m that someone. I spent eighteen years only occasionally dipping my fingers into the possibilities writing brought to me. Everyone who was close to me always knew that this was it for me, and because of that, I shied away from it. I don’t like when other people are right about things involving me.

This year has been really hard for me; its pretty much been a shit-show for everyone. But I’ve gone through a lot of changed and have come to a point in my life where people expect things out of me, like college. I’ve always known that I was different from everyone else. But I can now say that I never realized just how different I was. I say this in comparison to others around my age. I’ve met zero people who share the same ideas, or dreams, or way of thinking that I do. I’ve met no one who even remotely sees the world for how magical it truly is.

The things I have running through my head daily are things I feel like I’m not allowed to say out-loud to my friends. I think so much into things that I would just come off as crazy if I actually talked to someone about them. If always, always wanted to find someone I could talk to. Someone who was on the same wavelength as me, someone who could debate with me instead of just listen.

My writing plays a huge role in this because that’s my outlet. It has kind of been my other person. When I write I have constant battles with myself and it allows me to process what I’m actually thinking without having a living person to bother. But when I sit and my room and write alone, keeping it to myself, that doesn’t do much. Sure, it makes me feel better— but the excitement of sharing my work with someone and receiving feedback is indescribable.

So, back to why I started these everyday blogs. I opened my computer when I got home from Up North and opened my writing file. I was already feeling super inspired because of the book I had just read (trust the universe). Something caught my eye— 18 things I learned at 18. I opened it and noticed it was only a quarter of the way completed. I sat and finished it right then. About ten minutes after finishing, I posted it, with no second thought.

The next day I was going through my phone notes and found, why do i keep finding myself here? I read through it multiple times, giving myself goosebumps because of how scary it was that I had been in that place so recently. I thought about what it would be like if I wrote to myself saying what I’d would have wanted to know in those moments. So instead of only thinking about it, like I usually did, I sat my butt down at my computer and wrote.

The way I felt after I wrote that blog is something I can’t explain. But I wanted more of it.

What if I post something everyday? What if instead of just thinking of an idea, I write it down and come back to turn it into a few hundred words, later? Why don’t I stop avoiding this and embrace it? You know this is what makes you free, Kelsi. Do it. Take a chance. The only way you are ever going to get anywhere with your writing is if you write. And the only times you’ve ever been truly happy is when you are writing— so do it.

The next day I wrote, and posted something else. I was actually going to do this. I was going to write everyday. FINALLY. But I didn’t want to keep it to myself. I wanted to make a public announcement that I planned on writing everyday until January 1st. I chose that date because it was roughly twenty days away and if I got to that date and wanted to continue, I could. But I didn’t want to start myself off with too big of a goal. At the end of my surrendering to pain blog, I vowed that I would write and post everyday, until that date. That way if I stopped, I would be embarrassed. At first I used that vow as motivation to post. Now, however, it just happens. It’s part of my daily routine. I don’t even question it anymore. I have finally come to a point in my life where I’m doing what I love everyday. I’m posting it for other people to see, and I’m happy.

One day you’re going to wake up and know what needs to be done. When you have that feeling, don’t put it off. It’s motivation. Use it to start. The further you go, the more motivation will come. I don’t always feel like writing everyday, but I still continue, because I know once I write things will feel okay— I will feel accomplished for the day; I will feel like I’ve taken a step forward in my life, even if it’s just a tiny step. And it doesn’t matter how big the step is, as long as you’re moving forward, you’re doing something.

-Kelsi

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