pursue

I’ve almost reached 50 blogs posted. That’s actually insane to think about. I remember posting my first blog in April of last year. It was sometime after I left school and the basketball team, my grandma and I went up north for the weekend. The very first night I was there, I went to bed and couldn’t sleep for the life of me. I got on my phone and looked through my pictures to read some quotes (this is my absolute favorite thing to do when I’m bored). I came across one having to do with The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. I remembered that I had that movie on my phone, so I watched it.

Within the book—and movie— Gus struggles with the idea that he wants to be remembered for something great, but is afraid he won’t get that chance after certain things happen. After watching the movie, I sat, struggling with that same idea… What do I want to be remembered for? I pulled out my journal and I wrote. The next morning I typed it all up on my phone and logged into the WordPress account I had created in January but didn’t do anything with. When my grandma and I went to town later that day and I finally had service, so I copied the words from my notes and pasted them into WordPress, then pushed post without thinking twice.

Putting that out there for everyone to see gave me a feeling I still can’t explain. It’s the feeling I get every time I post something. I wanted more of that feeling. I made another post soon after that one, then another a little longer after the second. After my third post, I didn’t post again for nearly six-months.

I remember the struggle I went through inside my mind everyday for those months. I wanted so badly to write. I had so much to say— I knew I did. I couldn’t figure out how to say it though. So, instead of trying, I didn’t really write at all. I carried a journal around everywhere I went; just in case I decided to write something. That gave me the illusion that I was still trying— even though I knew I could try harder.

September, and October I made two posts that did really well. And I thought that maybe I was finally going to take my writing further, and push myself further. Except I didn’t. I waited again, hoping that some miracle would happen that caused me to write everyday without trying.

I posted two small things in November, but stopped again. When December came around and that random day where I saw my 18 things i learned at 18 file sitting blank in my computer; and for some reason I decided to finish it, then post it right then without even blinking— I didn’t know it right away, but that was a moment I would remember forever.

As you probably know, from that day on I vowed I would post everyday until January 1st. I did. That day came around and I felt good that I kept my promise, except I knew that I wasn’t done yet— I realized that I’d never be done. Here I am January 21st, still posting everyday. Knowing that I’ll continue to post everyday.

If I had to choose one specific thing I’ve learned these last forty-days, I would say… You have to do the work.

Back when I was wishing that one day I would wake up and just write without even trying— I didn’t realize how stupid that was. Anything you want to do in life takes work. It takes discipline; discipline that I did not ever have before I started this. You have to know that the work won’t always be fun. You will get tired, you will get bored, and you will get discouraged. No matter what you feel, though— do not stop. The worst thing you can do once you’ve started is stop. Your work will mean something. The payoff won’t always be success, it may be the lessons you learned along the way. Whatever it may be, there’s always a guarantee that you will get something in return. However, you have to accept that it may not be what you set out to get.

For me, I’m not pursuing a creative life with any specific outcomes in mind. I mean, I sit down everyday to write my blog with absolutely zero idea what I’m going to write about. Seriously, none. I figure it out once I get there. I think inspiration always finds its way to you when it sees you working. That idea hasn’t let me down yet. So I’m going to continue to write everyday, letting whatever happens, happen.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is— you can do it. The process may take awhile. Hell, it took me years before I finally started posting daily like I’d wanted to all that time. As long as you are taking steps—even tiny steps— in the direction you want to be heading, you’re doing good. There is no set timeline on when you will start living the life you want to live.

Know that once you do start living life that way, it isn’t going to be magical. You won’t always be happy, or wake up everyday wanting to do what needs to be done. A lot of the time you are going to be pushing your limits. On the days where you especially feel like giving up— those are the days where you push yourself harder than you thought possible.

-Kelsi

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