hiding pain

I’m the kind of person who has always put other peoples feeling before mine. I will sit and listen to their problems for hours without mentioning one thing I’m struggling with. I feel like exposing the dark side of my thoughts will just burden them— and I can’t do that. The one person who has been there with me through all of this mess (my mom) doesn’t even know half the things that race through my mind. The little things I do tell her, worry her enough.

It isn’t easier to keep pain to yourself, but sometimes it’s necessary to protect the people around you. Thoughts are harmless if you have a strong moral compass leading you in the right direction. That doesn’t change how scary thoughts can be though.

I feel like I’ve always been a pretty mysterious person. No one really knows what I do, how I think, who I’m talking to, or how I feel. I’ve been pretty good at keeping most everything to myself. I haven’t lived my life with the intention of never showing anyone all of me— that’s just how it’s happened.

Especially in really hard times, it’s not easier, but it can be helpful to act like everything is okay. The ones around you will fall for it and treat you like nothing’s wrong. That can be the best distraction out there. But it can also be the most lonely path. Regardless of how lonely it is, though, I still find myself doing it everyday. I don’t want my pain to cause others pain. I don’t want someone to worry about me.

Being this way has helped me in some ways— and in others it has hurt me. The good being that I’ve become very aware of my feelings. I also am very efficient at looking to my problems from every perspective—within my own head— because I’ve usually only been comfortable letting myself figure it out. Being aware of how other people are acting has been a big one— I’m very good at reading others. I know this also plays part in my OCD because I pay attention to every-single-detail. So being extremely aware in general is something I’ve always done.

The bad things I can think of off the top of my head don’t really add up to a whole lot. The worst thing is the loneliness. It’s easy to trick yourself into thinking you have no one to turn to; but you always have someone to turn to. I don’t really have much bad things coming to mind. This is just the way I’ve always done things, and I have it justified so well within my own head— I’ve just dismissed any negative things towards it away.

Everyone really handles pain differently. Some people need to have others constantly aware of the thoughts flying around in their head, and others keep it to themselves. However you deal with the shit inside your head— know that you aren’t weak. It takes strength to be open to pain, and accept it for what it is. The way you deal with it means nothing, as long as you ARE dealing with it in a way that moves you forward. Being destructive or hurting yourself or the people around you is not productive.

So whichever kind of person you are—
Suffer in the pain
Accept the pain
Deal with the pain
Move on from the pain
Stand taller despite the pain

-Kelsi

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