Dear 14-year-old me,
How you doing? Not that great I assume. If I did my math correctly, you’re in 8th grade. Which means it’s the year 2012— oh shit, right? I know every night you go to bed crying, wrapping yourself into a ball and attempting to rock yourself into a different world. The day you’ve been worried about for nearly four-years is right around the corner. Not to spoil it for you— nothing is going to happen. You made it. 2013 finally came.
You’re 18 now, and at this current moment you’re doing pretty good. I just wanted to sit and write to you what I wish I would have already known before experiencing the next years you are about to go through.
The nights of no sleep and the constant fear of things going wrong won’t change. I know you’re used to it— it’s sad that you had to get used to that… But it’s okay. This next year—freshman-year— is going to be the worst year of your life yet. I don’t think anything could have prepared you for just how bad it got. I still haven’t met anyone who did high school the way we did. Understand that the reasons you are going to make these decisions won’t make a lot of sense to the people around you, but keep following your heart. It is going to lead you to a good place.
I need you to know that the days you sleepwalk through life wondering what the hell you’re doing here aren’t going to go away. You’ve already been dealing with them for a while now, so you know the drill. Except it’s going to get way worse before it even starts to get a tiny bit better. You won’t give up. You will be scared out of your mind; you will have panic attacks; and you will be either constantly hiding your feelings, or constantly explaining yourself— we still don’t know which is the better option.
Writing is good for you. You don’t have to be so stubborn and hide your passion. I wish you would have known all the good it’d be doing for you in the future. Maybe it would have helped you get by. Guess we will never know. But maybe it also happened for a reason? Now I have a lot to write about as an 18-year-old.
You’re going to find that you really try to get along with everyone in high school— which by the way apparently isn’t the cool thing to do. It’s going to cause a lot of drama on top of what you’re already going through. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that it’s not a cool thing to try and get along with everyone. Stay strong. You will probably end up alone for a bit— in between groups, trying to explain that you should be allowed to be friends with both sides… That’s fine, because you’ve already been forced to learn how to be alone. You’re gonna be good. You’re always just fine.
The ideas that race through your mind every second are GOOD ideas. You should be writing them down constantly. Luckily you’ll eventually figure out that telling yourself you’ll remember them never works. It’s not really possible for you to stay concentrated on one idea too long unless you write it down and have a physical reminder. We’ve got that covered now. You’re writing things down more than you ever have.
All in all, I just want you to know that it’s going to be worth it. We figured things out on our own for the most part. We said screw you to anyone who doubted us(still do), and we pushed through all of our worst days to get here. We have always been on the right path. You’re on the right path. If you were actually able to read this, I’d bet you’d be in your bed next to Lilly. So, pet her, dry your tears, pick up a book, and wait for everything to go wrong again tomorrow. Because after a couple years worth of tomorrows, you will be here, sitting in your bed again, drying your tears from thinking about those days, and writing to your younger-self about how you made it— you’re still making it, Kels.