i’m just being honest

I’ve been sitting here debating what to post. I’ve looked through all the drafts that have already been started, hoping to finish one of them off and easily post it. But I can’t bring myself to do it. Part of the package with writing everyday is being brutally honest. I can’t write about being super happy when I’m not. I can’t write about finding reasons to smile when I’m struggling with that myself.

I know I just went through a holy shit, why am I so happy phase. And everyone who read my blogs was able to see it. Let me tell you something. Everyday when I was writing those blogs, in the back of my mind I was wondering when I wouldn’t feel that way anymore. I had a feeling it was all too good to be true (even though it’s not). So now here I am. I’m still happy, but it’s a different kind of happy. It’s a do the same thing everyday trying to make things happen, but continue to watch nothing happen no matter how hard you try kind of happy.

Everyday for the last week I have forced myself to write something for my blog. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy actually sitting down to write once I finally forced myself. It’s just the idea that I feel like I’m letting people down by not writing as good as I may have in the past. And I’ve talked about this feeling in previous blogs. The work isn’t always going to be fun, you’re not always going to feel like doing it—except you have to do it anyway. So that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve been doing it anyway.

In the past I said that I wouldn’t let anything take the happiness I was feeling away. That was a very unrealistic thing to say. Happiness doesn’t stick. It comes and it goes. You play a part in how often it shows itself, because it is only a mood after all. Sometimes the things around you make it harder for happiness to show. So once again, your stuck working through hard times; trying to push through, hoping you’ll reach a point of happiness again. And that’s where I’m at. I’m waiting for a moment to grasp that I can turn into happiness.

-Kelsi

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