A lot of the time when I’m around other people, my mood can just shift. I can be the happiest person in the world one moment, and without skipping a beat I transform into something sad. It sucks. I don’t ever know why this happens. It’s hard for me to deal with because afterward I feel like I have to fake my happiness until I’m alone. They wouldn’t understand why I went from one end of the scale to the other, in one blink. It’s so draining to act like I’m fine. And it’s even more draining to try and figure out why I’m all of a sudden not fine.
The same is true when I have plans to go somewhere. When I made the plans I really thought I wanted to go. Except when the time comes, I’d rather be curled up in a hole. Most of the time I end up forcing myself to go. I plant a smile on my face and I blow a few hours away until I can come back home and figure out what the hell is wrong with me. It’s a terrible process. It’s the most frustrating thing to not know what keeps kicking you down; because when you get back up to fight it, you’re swinging at air.
I’m basically explaining is how I’ve felt the past few days. I’ve been dizzy and tired. I haven’t been able to hold a conversation, or thought without embarrassing myself by taking long pauses, or forever to respond. There are a few reasons as to why I’ve been feeling this way. But the problem isn’t why I’m feeling this way, I know why. The problem is simply that I feel this way. This is the worst way to feel. It’s a mix of everything—anxiety, depression… and, well, OCD, but the OCD never goes away.
My eyes have been begging for me to close them, except when I do, my mind won’t allow me to sleep. And when it does allow me to sleep, it’s always at the worst time. Meaning, it’s usually sometime during the day. I don’t argue with it, though, because if I’m going to be allowed to sleep, I’m going to take it. And that’s how I’ve been feeling the past 10 years; but, specifically, the last few days. I don’t know if it has come across through my writing or in person. I’m not worried about it though. I’m accepting the fact that it’s just who I am, and it’s something I’ll get past. It’s just part of my life.
I wrote this to tell you that it’s okay if you’re not feeling the greatest. You’re allowed to take breaks if you need to. And you shouldn’t force yourself to constantly put a smile on your face like I do. It isn’t fun and I should really learn how to take my own advice. It isn’t your job to explain yourself to anyone. Your mental health is the most important thing, so take care of it. Do your best to not ever overlook it, or just assume it will get better on its own if you ignore it. You have to acknowledge and accept it, and then you have to put in the work to fix it. Whether that’s resting, reading, exercising, listening to music, locking yourself in your room to sit with your thoughts, LITERALLY WHATEVER. Just take small steps back towards a place where you don’t have to fake your smile. It shouldn’t take very long once you realize how much better truly smiling makes you feel.