a story worth telling

For the longest time I was afraid to write. I wasn’t even willing to put words on paper knowing I’d be the only one to see them- let alone putting them on paper knowing others would see them too. I thought about it my entire life. Everyday I wondered what it would be like to just get over being stubborn and scared. Sometimes I’d forget the fear for an hour or two and get a few words down, then I wouldn’t write again for months. It was a terrible process. Knowing how many ideas went through my head that are now probably gone forever really sucks. I hate that I didn’t take advantage of this love sooner.

This concept is true for so many different things as well. It isn’t always something you spend years afraid to conquer. Most of the time it’s something smaller, like not going on a date. You continue to put it off, afraid it won’t go well. A school assignment can have the same affect; you aren’t good at the subject and just looking at the work scares you, so you don’t do it. Procrastination is a terrible habit to have. It’s even worse when you realize it’s not procrastination at all—it’s fear. But how in the hell do you fix fear?

My entire childhood and most of my teenage years have been lived through fear. I had been in a constant state of fear everyday. Every decision I made was based off of fear. The thought of not being afraid anymore even scared me, because I had no idea what that would be like. And I don’t think there is a fix for fear other than coming to the realization that most of it is probably pointless. That’s something that we all have to realize on our own. It’s just like depression in a way; you just wake up one day and it doesn’t feel necessary anymore. But, that being said, I also think there are things you can do to help the process along. Expose yourself to the things that scare you everyday. Even if it’s just for a minute. You have to give your body or your mind contact with the thing in order to get over it.

I think that’s why I’m so disciplined to write everyday now. I spent years afraid what would come out of me—years afraid of my own thoughts. Those times that I would write a few pages in a journal, then put it away for a few weeks until I picked it up again, was only helping me get where I am now without even realizing it. And now I’ve posted seventy blogs in a row or something? I never saw that happening. Now that I’ve started, I’m not stopping.

Whatever it is you’re putting off, just do it. You can’t let fear win. I guarantee it won’t be as bad as you’re probably picturing it in your head. The longer you wait, the longer you give your mind to come up with some pretty crazy shit. And if it all goes sideways, at least you learned a lesson and have a story to tell. I don’t know about you, but I want to live a life worth writing about; a life full of stories, good and bad; a life others can look at and wonder how in the hell I was able to do so much. That’s just me though…

-Kelsi

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