hand in hand

Putting other people and their happiness ahead of my own has become a reoccurring event throughout my life. It’s a terrible habit and something I’ve talked about briefly on here before. I don’t like seeing others upset, especially if it’s directed toward me. So I usually do everything in my power to avoid that. And it’s not because I care about what others think and need everyone to approve of me. It’s quite the opposite. I know what it feels like for people to constantly throw me to the side; for people to use me as a therapist of sorts and not care to see if I’m okay after telling me all their problems (which is partly my fault because I don’t open up to people… but also not really because that’s part of the reason I’m so afraid to open up).

Yesterday I gave my brief basketball story. And making that decision to leave public school halfway through junior year was the first real decision I made only thinking about me. I didn’t really ease myself into it either. I tried breaking that habit of putting others before me with the biggest choice I ever had to make in my life. And I think doing so only threw me off the path for a bit. I assumed that because of how heavy that decision was, it made up for the years of not making decisions for myself and I went back to my old ways.

Honestly, it’s been really hard for me to watch my friends this basketball season. I had planned on going to every game I could, but ended up only going to a few. Last night they played in the district finals and won. Earlier this week my mom planned on taking a few people to a hockey game Friday night. After I found out the girls won and were playing in districts the same night I cancelled the hockey game. I spent most of the day yesterday (Friday) procrastinating my blog, working out, and dreading the fact that I had to miss the hockey game for the basketball game. I wanted more than anything to support my friends, except my want for happiness exceeded the other. I knew if I didn’t go to the hockey game with my family I would regret it. But I was still going to force myself to miss it, until my dad came home and talked me into making the right decision.

I went with my family and had a perfect night. My friends won and now I don’t have to miss seeing them play one last time- they get to move on to regionals. I finally did something for myself. And I am starting to understand that it’s okay. I don’t have to explain how much I support my old team, they know it. And I also don’t have to explain why I did what I did in order to have a good night.

Throughout life you’re going to be forced to put someone else’s happiness ahead of yours. You’re going to have to set your feelings aside and help pick someone up. That’s just called being a good person; which is a good thing. However, constantly doing that when there isn’t a need to, that’s just foolish. You’re happiness is just as important as the next. Try to understand that if you’re constantly helping other people up, eventually you’re going to be left on the ground all alone. There’s a certain formula that every person tends to figure out as they go. How many times can I make someone else happy before I do the same for myself? Don’t get discouraged. Being a good person and being a happy person go hand in hand once you find you’re way.

-Kelsi

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