reflecting back

Once you reach a certain point, things from the past start fading away. I don’t want that to happen here. I’ve posted over 100 blogs and there are a lot of new people around now, who weren’t here when I first started to post. I’m going to bring back 8 of my favorite blogs—and if you’ve already read them, reading them again couldn’t hurt… So here they are, with excerpts from each one:

it’s real

I don’t let anyone in. No one. Not fully at least. I’ve never let my guard down completely to let them see how bad I’m doing on the inside. It makes me feel weak and it’s not fun for me to see people worry about me. These last several years I’ve held every terrible thing I’ve felt on the inside. One day I’ll be ready to share my whole story. But it feels better kept on lockdown in my head. On the other hand, it also feels like my head is about to explode every time I open my eyes in the morning. I’m in a constant battle with myself about every little thing. I’m going to give you three examples of three times my mental illness was impacting me and the people around me didn’t buy what I was selling. Also the things I’ve been seeing online about these specific things. Before that though, it’d help to know that I have obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), generalized anxiety disorder, and depression.

the pure and broken are the more evolved – part 1

As someone who does have a few mental illnesses, I think I can speak for a lot of people when I say: we don’t need you to understand exactly what we are going through— that’s impossible unless you are going through it too; we just need you to ACKNOWLEDGE it. We need you to accept its existence. Stop portraying us in ways where we are the star of a horror movie.

 

the puzzle

Any kind of mental illness has a way of making itself justified. It stops at nothing to throw you off. It will make you feel like you have to do stupid things in order to survive. It will make you feel like you can’t survive. It will make you feel like nothing is worth anything— and something as small as finishing the outside of a puzzle is worth everything. And even if you know how untrue these things are, you’ll still do them. It doesn’t matter how idiotic you feel doing it; you’ll do it because you feel like you have to.

 

dear 2017 me,

I think it’s very important to continue living with this motto: don’t do for others, expecting something in return— do it out of the kindness of your heart…

 

forgive yourself

Hey, whoever you are. God, Universe, whatever it is that makes things the way they are. Why am I me? What makes me feel these things? What pushes me to such a high level of anger over the smallest things? What did I do to deserve all of this shit in my life? Why’d you have to give me three different kinds of mental illnesses, why? I truly don’t know what I ever did to deserve this. I don’t understand. Why? Why? Please just tell me what I did so I can fix it. Please just tell me how to fix it. I don’t want to live this way anymore. I can’t live this way anymore. It’s too hard. Nothing ever feels safe. I never feel okay. I never feel truly happy. I don’t feel anything good. I feel scared. I feel stupid. I feel confused. I feel lost. I feel helpless. But above all, I feel sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for whatever I did to you. If I did something in a past life, or something in this life to piss you off bad enough to put me through this— I’m sorry. I’ll say I’m sorry for the rest of my life if I have to. Just take this away from me. I can’t continue to be like this. I’m sorry…

 

what if

Whenever I find myself hurting because of those words, I’ve learned to close my eyes and tell myself over and over again: This isn’t real… All of those crazy what if’s that I drown myself with are NOT real. It is just my imagination running me tired.

 

crazy is beautiful

I don’t want to settle for a few hundred miles of land and keep myself there. I want to take the entire world and use it to my advantage. I want to dive into other cultures. I want to see the wonders of the world. I want to meet new people of all different backgrounds. I want to speak to someone from a foreign country and have absolutely no idea what the hell they are saying. I want to learn. I want to grow. And ultimately, I want to be free.

 

influence

It’s really easy to lose touch of who we truly are. It’s easy to begin to blend into the world around us. The problem is, it takes work to continue to be ourselves everyday and fight off the expectations of society. Many people don’t have that fight. You shouldn’t be faulted for being afraid to be yourself, though. You grew up in a world where a picture perfect illusion of what you are supposed to look like is thrown in your face everywhere you go. It’s hard to grasp the reality that there is no right way to look, or right way to be.

~

There you have it. I know it was fun for me to go back and read these older posts. It’s crazy to actually see how my writing has/hasn’t changed. I am so thankful I will always have these to look back on, and I plan on creating many more.

-Kelsi

 

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