lets get real

These blogs are a great source to have. When looking back, I get to see all the ups and downs. It’s interesting to read back on the times I felt my life was going good, and was confident nothing would take that away. Then to ultimately read further along and see the real inevitability of the low points. It’s funny, in those good times, you’re genuinely confident you will be able to stay happy. This time, this time I swear nothing will knock me back down.  Oh, how great it is to wake up one day and realize you’re back on the ground—hands and knees bleeding from the fall—wondering how you got there… again. The rollercoaster of life contains many highs and lows, twists and turns, and the scary realization you don’t know which will come next. It’s like this for everyone.

Depression, OCD, anxiety disorder – that’s me. Now, don’t get too dramatic. I’m not saying my mental illness is the only thing that makes me. I’m just saying that everything I make of myself is built around my mental illness. I have matured so fast, and learned a lot because of these things I have. I wouldn’t be anywhere close to where I am today without going through everything I did; everything I continue to go through. The same goes for anyone/everyone with mental illness. We think about things differently than others. Life is simple for no one. But for us, it’s a constant struggle of watching where we step. Somehow, we always find our foot sinking into a puddle of hell—and once that happens, you’re stuck wading through what feels like quicksand, just to come out and eventually do it all over again.

For the past month or so, I’ve been fighting so hard to keep my head above water. I’ve been so careful of the puddles. Unfortunately, I think I dipped my toes in an unexpected body of water. Since that moment, it’s been slowly gripping me tighter—now I can’t breathe.

The worst thing about mental illness is having to see the people around you affected by what’s going on in your head. There is a deep line in the sand you will always end up crossing. That line shows how long/well you can hide your sadness until it overpowers you, and that’s when the line is suddenly behind you. I’ve reached that point. I’ve been there for a while. There are moments of peace, days where it’s easier to cover up. But it’s never not pounding inside my head, reminding me of its existence.

Let’s talk about moments. Moments are the beating heart constantly pumping life through our veins. Moments are what make us. They are the only thing we are truly in control of—once you blink, that moment is gone, and we are all onto the next. So, for me, I have moments of peace. Rare, beautiful moments where I don’t think about anything. My mind goes blank for a few short seconds and I’m left in a trance. It happens at complete random. Last night, for example, I was playing Xbox with my brother. In the middle of the game my vision went blurry and I just slowed down. I didn’t let him notice, of course. I just accepted that moment of silence for the rare gem it was. And I can’t explain how badly I wish it weren’t so rare.

Depression is the worst. It’s so confusing. Most of the time you don’t ever know what’s really bothering you. And the timing of when it decides to hit you is never good. No time is the right time for depression. It changes everything. It makes you overanalyze, lose sleep, snap at people, hide, cry, and stay silent. Above all, it makes you feel worthless and stupid for not being able to get yourself out of it. In my opinion, it’s sadly just one of those things that needs to be lived through—a wave to ride out. There is no timeline, no guideline, and no secret formula to make it go away. I’m lucky that I understand and accept those terms. Too many people don’t; they turn to terrible drugs, alcohol, or anything to mask the hell inside their head. Doing that not only makes the depression worse, it also screws up many other elements of their life. Don’t fall into the trap that is those things. Masking the pain is doing nothing for you. You have to roll with the punches and suffer through the lonely days; it’s the only way you’ll grow. It’s also how you figure out the best ways to deal with what’s going on, and how to help when it eventually happens again—because it always does.

The funny thing about this, is that I’m giving advice while I’m in the midst of a bad time. It’s crazy how that works. When I’m not doing good it’s still my first instinct to try and make sure no one else feels the way I do. For some reason, I’m willing to accept all of this pain and use it to help someone else from getting as low as I have. Sure Universe, I’ll be your vessel if that’s what your plan for me is.

Lastly, it’s okay. You’re not required to always be cheery and perfect. We all have bad days, bad moments, bad whatever—none of us are spared the bad. Instincts have a way of kicking in throughout life—good and bad. Yours will kick in, it just may take a little longer than expected. Mental illness is a terrible thing, but unfortunately, it is a thing. We are all in this together, and we need to do a better job of helping each other. So, I say let’s just start there, and take it one moment at a time.

-Kelsi

An awesome website to check out in regard to addiction/mental illness in all is: https://www.drugrehab.com/co-occurring-disorder/ It’s extremely detailed and a great website to explore if you need any kind of information on what you may be dealing with.

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