i’m a grenade

This life was never planned. It involves things I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. I’ve never been one for pity. People didn’t feel sorry for me; I never let on that there was anything to be sorry about. Anytime I felt overpowered, I left the presence of others and handled it on my own. It’s weird…being surrounded by so many people who love and care for you, and still have a pit in your stomach reminding you how alone you really are. There is this line from The Fault in Our Stars, by John Green, that I’ve held onto: “I’m a grenade, and at some point I’m going to explode and obliterate everything in my wake. I want to do my best to minimize the casualties.” 
When I read that line a few years back–a time where I was doing absolutely terrible–I remember the immediate tears leaving my eyes. Where had that explanation been my whole life? That is exactly why I keep everything to myself; until I read that book I wasn’t able to put it into words. To this day I’m like that. It’s probably not the way I should be doing things, nor is it healthy. However, that’s just how it is. 
I’m writing this to tell you it’s okay if you aren’t able to put your feelings into words right now. Someday you’ll be able to. Something will come along and make it obvious. Don’t allow others to pressure you into explaining every little thing inside your head–and, definitely, don’t pressure yourself into trying to figure it out all at once. 
Lastly, it’s okay if you think you’re a grenade. To a certain extent, we all are. Find people you trust; make sure they earn that trust. But, also understand that people are going to let you down and break your heart. That doesn’t mean everyone will. 
-Kelsi

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