the hardest thing i’ve ever experienced

What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

The first thing I think you would expect me to say is my mental illness. That’d be predictable, but also true on many levels. I’m going to go for a different response, though. Something that I’ve noticed a little extra this last year and a half. The hardest thing I have ever experienced is being misunderstood, or too deep for others to handle. It’s honestly the most draining thing I’ve ever dealt with. And I don’t just mean being misunderstood mental illness wise, it goes way past that. No one knows me; it’d make things a lot easier if I could say it were my fault. I’ve tried to open up…many times. For some reason the things I say come across as a joke, like it’s all a game. So, instead of trying to understand, they laugh it off and push me to the side.

I’m having trouble explaining the issue. I’m not trying to make everyone else sound like a bunch of jerks. I guess, I’m just saying none of them match up with me (also not saying I’m above anything or anyone). I don’t share the same style of thinking with many people—especially those my age. I’m constantly suppressing who I am and how I feel to avoid being misunderstood. I hate the questions asked through laughter; the side-eye looks; and being told straight to my face I’m weird/different. It’s not that I care what they think—it’s just that I’m sick of having to constantly shrink my way of thinking so I don’t make someone else think too hard. This is exactly why I’m a loner and why I come off as quiet. It’s also why I’m always making jokes or saying stupid shit to make people laugh, because at least something I say strikes them in a way that makes sense.

If I could talk freely about the world, and the stars, and the universe, and love, and life, and why we’re here, and dreams, and death, and adventure, and art, and whatever else could be talked about on a deeper level without making others freeze up and run, I’d be set. But, unfortunately, that’s not currently the way things work. So, until then, I’ll keep these pieces of myself hidden from the rest of the world. I hope it doesn’t have to be like this forever.

-Kelsi

BY THE WAY, my last post, this is my life, was my 150th post on this blog! Thank you all for coming back to visit every day.

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