it’s still on your mind for a reason

Everything I need to begin my journey is right in front of me. The only thing stopping me from starting is myself. I have all the resources, I have the work ethic, I have the ideas, I have the support, and I also have fear. I’m allowing the fear to stop me from taking this next step. It’s killing me to know how close I am. I’m so, so close to having this new life set up for myself and I’m afraid I’ll screw it up. I’m afraid because nothing else has ever stayed good in my life, so why should this?

I know, I know. I can’t let my fear stop me from walking this path. I’m not going to let it stop me. It’s certainly caused a huge bump in my road these last two weeks, though. Lately, I’ve been fighting pretty hard to keep my head above water. I’ve missed more days of posting in the last two weeks than I have in the last 6 months combined. That’s terrible. I wish I could explain why. I wish…I WISH I could tell someone I’m okay and actually believe it. I wish I could look at my life, as a whole, and feel calm. I wish I wasn’t constantly on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop. My entire life has been spent waiting for everything to fall apart again. I’m just sick of it.

I’m coming up on a pretty big milestone—200 posts. That’s huge. That’s something I’m proud of. That’s something I never thought I could do. I remember when I first decided to post daily—now, almost daily. I was scared out of my mind, wondering what I’d just gotten myself into. A new idea every day? Yeah, right. The thing was, even though I’d been completely unsure if I was capable of that, I did it. I’m still doing it, almost two-hundred posts later. I’m not completely proud of every post—knowing I could have done better. But, it’s okay. I’m not here to be perfect; I’m here to be real.

So, back to my next step. I’ve got a new site to build…a more permanent site. Once this site is set up, all of this becomes real. It’s no longer just for fun. Everything I post will have more meaning behind it, and a lot more time spent making it. I will no longer post daily, I’ll have a set schedule. I plan on taking this thing far and making it big. I won’t let the fear stop me. I won’t let my anxiety or even my depression stop me. This is something I have to do. It’s something that’s been on my mind for ages.

We all have a thing that we just can’t shake—an idea, a person, a book, etc.. Whether we are avoiding it because of fear, or guilt, or whatever; it doesn’t matter because if that thing is still consuming your mind, you have to take the risk. It keeps coming back to you for a reason. It is literally calling your name, begging you to see what can come of it. I think we’d all be a lot happier if we just did the damn thing. How about we do it together? While I’m working on this whole writing thing, you take the next step in whatever it is clawing at your mind. Deal?

-Kelsi

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