i’ve been MIA

Should I address the fact that I’ve been MIA for 3 days? Well, if I did, I’d just be making up some lame reason. Because, truthfully, I don’t have a real reason that will make sense to everyone—but, I’ll try and tell you anyway. I was still writing. I just wasn’t posting. I felt like I’d been going nonstop, stressed about posting every-single-day, for the last 8-months. Even the few random days I missed, I was still obsessed with the guilt of not posting for a day. So, the last three days, I just let myself live without it. I wanted to know what it felt like to not have this blog to wake up to everyday—and it sucked. I need this just as much as it calls to me. I didn’t abandon anything, I didn’t fall into a depressive hole, nor did stop writing.

This little break I took from posting goes along with the saying, “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.” In this situation, my blog wasn’t gone, I just chose to see what my life would be if it were. And, damn, three days was enough of that. I’ve had enough of no one believing me when I say I’m okay; I’ve had enough of the worried looks. I am okay. I am. I wasn’t in a slump, I was in an experiment. I’ve also been wrestling with whether or not I should have announced this 3-day break (not even really a break…I just don’t know what else to call it). But, then, I realized the effect wouldn’t have been the same. I wouldn’t have dealt with the questions, the doubt, or the drama that came with it.

I was reminded of something along these last three days, as well. When you are surrounded by people who think you’re falling apart, you start to believe you may actually be falling apart. When you’re state-of-mind is in constant question, you wonder if you actually are as bad as they think. Luckily, for me, I’ve been dealing with this sort of thing for quite some time. I was able to stay strong—for the most part—and not let the negativity get to my head. Originally, I was only going to take Sunday off from posting. When Monday came around, I had work during the day, and then had an opportunity to play basketball for a few hours (during the time I had planned on finishing my blogs). I jumped at the chance and spent three hours sprinting around the gym like I was mad, just playing my game. That was the best decision I’ve made for myself, mentally, in a long time. Tuesday, I woke up unable to move. I’d twisted my ankle playing soccer, Sunday night; going hard in basketball, Monday night, only made everything worse. All of Tuesday was spent limping around, moving in slow motion. I’m sorer than I have been in months of working out. I feel relieved. I feel rejuvenated. I feel motivated.

Pulling yourself away from a routine is 100% necessary. Making space for yourself to relax, do what you want, and not pressure any kind of normally expected activity saves you from falling apart. You can’t always completely stop your life (and, honestly, you probably shouldn’t), but you can control a lot more than you think. Personally, I just needed space from posting. So, I cut only that out and continued to write, work and workout like normal. Next time I decide to do an experiment like this, I’ll definitely do it differently. However, I’m happy with the outcome of these last three days and I’m still working on my new website. It won’t be too much longer before I’m drowning inside my writing—more than I already am.

We can’t control every aspect of our daily lives. If you need a break, take what you can control and alter it. If you need a reality check, do the same—just like I did. It was coming to a point where I felt like having to post was controlling me, so I did something about it. Now, I realize it wasn’t controlling me, I was just being too hard on myself. When you open your eyes and look, lessons aren’t too far away. In some cases, you have the ability to speed up the process—that’s the secret weapon if you want to get ahead of an issue before it breaks you. You’re in control of much more than you think.

-Kelsi

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