I miss wanting to be awake.

I came across this Tumblr post earlier today. This is how it goes:

“I miss when I was like 12 and it would be the night before a big field trip or something and I couldn’t go to sleep because I was so excited. I miss being so into a book that I would stay up past my bedtime reading it. Everything seems so bland or something idk. I’m only 19 and everything is so tiring. I miss wanting to be awake.” (mydogsnokes – Tumblr)

This is something I think about a lot. Even before this post, I’ve put a lot of thought into being 10, 11, or 12 and coming home from school to have some cereal and turn Disney channel on. Or begging my parents to let me stay up for one more show. That is a feeling we all took for granted. The sense of having no real concerns… and, if we did, they disappeared for those few unique moments every day.  

All of that brings me to this: I want to be awake now. 

The last blog I posted was on January 5. I didn’t intend on that being the last one for seven months. I actually didn’t intend on there being a last one — taking a break was never part of my plan. But, it happened. I needed it. I think when you spend a year and a half entirely focused on one thing, it’s important to take a step back and ask yourself some pretty tough questions. 

Why am I doing this?

Is this making me happy?

Do I enjoy the day-to-day work this brings?

Do I want to pursue this more professionally?

Am I capable of this?

Will I be ready for the commitment?

Etc. Etc.

The beginning of November was when my drive for continuing the blog started to fade. I was more or less looking for a reason to keep this thing going. Then, at the end of November / beginning of December, my life was turned upside down in more than one way. But, I continued to fight to keep my passion for the blog alive. Then, January rolled around, and I posted my one and only blog for the year of 2018 — so far.

The first few weeks of not posting left me feeling pretty guilty. Then, it slowly started to disappear. I spent most of my time reading, painting, and even writing in my journal. The last time I consistently did any of those three things was almost two years ago. This pushed me to realize why I had been having such a hard time with blogging; I didn’t know who I was as a writer anymore…not truly. 

So, my point in all of this: I am back for good.

And the lesson is that we sometimes need to take a step back and re-evaluate. It’s easy to get burned out when you don’t have a plan. Taking things day-by-day only works for so long. Every-so-often, pause, look around, and ask yourself the critical questions (e.g., does this thing make you happy?). It doesn’t always take three months to come to a conclusion, and you won’t always have that long to decide. But, what’s most important is making an effort to fully understand what you are trying to ask yourself and genuinely listening to your soul’s response. 

If I’ve learned one thing in all of this: You already have all of the answers within. You find them by asking the right questions. 

When things inevitably get difficult, sit yourself down, re-evaluate, and remind yourself why you started in the first place.

Today, smile for no reason. 🙂

With Love,

Kelsi