a remarkable craving

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I have this remarkable craving

It’s one that I’ve had my whole life


There have been years where I spend my life soaking inside the craving

Allowing myself to inhale each part of its enchantment

Literally, spending all of my time breathing through it


There have also been years where I run away from it

Refusing to accept that its existence is anything other than a fairytale

These are the years where I go through the most difficultly

My life becomes internally and externally harder

Simply because I avoid this one thing


Looking back on the patterns of my life

I find it odd seeing the points at which I start avoiding the thing

There’s no real reason

No explanatory cause

I just stop

Point, blank, period

I stop externalizing the thing


Internally, however, I spend each waking moment in a daze

I imagine all of the ways I could be using the thing for my own sake

My own growth

My own good

The hours I once spent bathing in the thing

Were now spent imagining myself drowning in it


Oh how desperately I wished to be drowning in it


The most confusing part about this avoidance is that I had the answers

I became acutely aware that I alone held responsibility

Each day I chose to think about the thing instead of drowning in the thing

That was all me


Somehow it felt safer to hide

I’m not sure where these feelings came from

Or how I continuously validated them


Putting in the work scared me when I wasn’t putting in the work


But this thing I have

This ability to freeze time and expand space for myself

It’s irreplaceable


It’s frightening how simple it is

How simple it’s always been for me

God knows I don’t have all of the answers


But when all I have to do is grab a pen and find some paper

How can that be anything but enlightening 

Why do I try so hard to avoid something so overwhelmingly powerful

And what steps do I begin to take in order to end this pattern


Published by Kelsi

It's about the way you become weightless when the pen seems to be moving all by itself--or the way your fingers glide over the keys, typing word after word with no clear direction, only the burning desire to keep going. That's what I'm here for and that's what I've come to share with you.

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