I have this remarkable craving
It’s one that I’ve had my whole life
.
There have been years where I spend my life soaking inside the craving
Allowing myself to inhale each part of its enchantment
Literally, spending all of my time breathing through it
.
There have also been years where I run away from it
Refusing to accept that its existence is anything other than a fairytale
These are the years where I go through the most difficultly
My life becomes internally and externally harder
Simply because I avoid this one thing
.
Looking back on the patterns of my life
I find it odd seeing the points at which I start avoiding the thing
There’s no real reason
No explanatory cause
I just stop
Point, blank, period
I stop externalizing the thing
.
Internally, however, I spend each waking moment in a daze
I imagine all of the ways I could be using the thing for my own sake
My own growth
My own good
The hours I once spent bathing in the thing
Were now spent imagining myself drowning in it
.
Oh how desperately I wished to be drowning in it
.
The most confusing part about this avoidance is that I had the answers
I became acutely aware that I alone held responsibility
Each day I chose to think about the thing instead of drowning in the thing
That was all me
.
Somehow it felt safer to hide
I’m not sure where these feelings came from
Or how I continuously validated them
.
Putting in the work scared me when I wasn’t putting in the work
.
But this thing I have
This ability to freeze time and expand space for myself
It’s irreplaceable
.
It’s frightening how simple it is
How simple it’s always been for me
God knows I don’t have all of the answers
.
But when all I have to do is grab a pen and find some paper
How can that be anything but enlightening
Why do I try so hard to avoid something so overwhelmingly powerful
And what steps do I begin to take in order to end this pattern
-Kelsi
